Short Cummings Audio: A New Funny Story Every Week

Short Cummings Audio

Each week you'll be treated to a brand-new funny story. No rambling here, just my take on ordinary life.

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Sat, 26 January 2008

Living in a Winter Wonderland -- Short Cummings Audio #85

In my experience, the difference between "Oh look it's snowing" and "Oh no it's snowing" is about thirty-six inches or three days; whichever comes first. Individual flakes are harmless; in small groups they're adorable; in large quantities they are dangerous and uncontrollable ... sort of like toddlers.

Except you never have to use a special shovel to clear the toddlers off your driveway.

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Want to get the rest of this essay or others like it? Check out the whole audio essay and related links at www.ShortCummingsAudio.com.

NOTES:

If you live in a snowy climate, you might want to check out the tips for shoveling found at:
http://www.ext.nodak.edu/snow.htm
Fans of Public Radio's Car Talk might enjoy reading their page of winter driving tips at:
http://www.cartalk.com/content/features/WinterDriving/
Finally, there's still time to get in on the TechTalkForFamilies Podcast Scavenger Hunt before the Deadline of 2/5/08. Check out the details at:
http://www.techtalkforfamilies.com/contest.

Direct download: 085_--_Living_in_a_Winter_Wonderland.mp3
Category: Humorous Essay -- posted at: 2:15 AM

Comments[0]

Sat, 19 January 2008

Keeping Time -- Short Cummings Audio #84

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

This episode is part of the TechTalkForFamilies Podcast Scavenger Hunt. Check out the details at:

http://www.techtalkforfamilies.com/contest

and then listen to the episode for a special clue!

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Blame it on the monks.

In primitive cultures, nobody had clocks. They didn't have any use for clocks. One guy would ask, â€œWhat time is it?â€? and everyone else would hit him with sticks for asking such a stupid question. Then the monks decided they needed to pray every few hours. Somebody had to figure out the meaning of â€œhourâ€? and how many â€œhoursâ€? made a â€œfew.â€? So they invented clocks.

Early clocks were just candles with different-colored stripes. One stripe equaled one hour. If you bought your candles from a candle-maker with a wide brush, an hour might last several â€œdays.â€? (â€œDaysâ€? had been discovered much earlier by cavemen who used them to separate one night from the next.)

Thinner brushes meant skinnier stripes which, in turn, meant shorter hours which meant less time to nap between prayers. Skinny brushes werenâ€™t especially popular.

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Want to get the rest of this essay or others like it? Check out the whole audio essay and related links at www.ShortCummingsAudio.com.

NOTES:

If you're interested in a somewhat more accurate history of timekeeping, check the Wikipedia article at:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timekeeping
The names of the prayers in this episode develoved into pseudo Latin. You can read about pseudo Latin at:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ipsum
If the jokes about pyramid building made you yearn for the days the Pharaohs, you might enjoy Joan Collins' Cult Classic film Land of the Pharaohs
Finally, if you want a shot at the TechTalkForFamilies fabulous prize package, check out the details at:
http://www.techtalkforfamilies.com/contest.

Direct download: 084_--_Keeping_Time.mp3
Category: Humorous Essay -- posted at: 2:15 AM

Comments[0]

Sat, 12 January 2008

A Traveler's Tale -- Short Cummings Audio #83

Much of human history is concerned with the way that people get from one place to another. Our earliest ancestors traveled on foot, braving the elements, avoiding attack by wild animals and suffering really nasty blisters. Some forgotten genius came up with the idea of riding on animals and things improved. Somebody else (the Phoenicians, I think, but I sorta slept through history class) invented carts and things improved again. Carts gave way to trains and cars and trucks and things improved again. Then human beings invented air travel and things ... fell apart.

Really.

Airplane trips generally begin early in the morning with a drive to the airport through rush hour traffic. Sitting gridlocked on the freeway is actually a good thing because it gives you a chance to prepare for the lines you'll be waiting in the rest of the day.

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Want to get the rest of this essay or others like it? Check out the whole audio essay and related links at www.ShortCummingsAudio.com.

NOTES:

A couple of notes for this episode:
If you want to minimize your wait time at security and get through the gate more quickly, you might check out the TSA's traveler's tips at:
http://www.tsa.gov/travelers/index.shtm
You'll also find some pretty nifty info for air travelers (including some pretty cool statistical info about lost baggage, delayed flights, etc.) at:
http://airconsumer.ost.dot.gov/
Listeners who caught the reference to 'Oceanic Flight 815' might want to swing by the Generally Speaking Podcast Network (http://gspn.tv) to listen to Cliff Ravenscraft's Weekly LOST Podcast. And, if LOST isn't your thing, you'll find plenty of other good shows at GSPN.

Direct download: 083_--_A_Travelers_Tale.mp3
Category: Humorous Essay -- posted at: 2:15 AM

Comments[1]

Sat, 5 January 2008

A Rebellious Nature -- Short Cummings Audio #82

On the great feedlot of life, I'm just another barbecue-on-the-hoof, passing time mooing and waiting for the day they award me a gold watch and shoo me into the stunning pen. In terms of domestication, I'm at a ninety-two on a ten-point scale.

I realized the full extent of my tractability at the local Super-Ultra-Mega-Mart last week. I urgently had to purchase a few things including bread, Bandaids, Bactine and a new toaster. At the checkout, I swiped my credit card and scrawled something on the electronic pad that might have been my signature or a quick sketch of two worms wrestling.

The computer beeped and flashed a message. â€œSignature exceeds space available.â€?

I squinted. Sure enough. I'd drawn outside the lines. â€œSorry,â€? I said and signed again, more carefully this time.

It didn't strike me until I was out of the store. I'd just apologized to a computer. A MACHINE! A hunk of junk hardware no smarter than a fifth-grader had called me out and I just stood there and took it.

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Want to get the rest of this essay or others like it? Check out the whole audio essay and related links at www.ShortCummingsAudio.com.

NOTES:

A few links to things of interest I mentioned in passing:
If you're a fan of Are You Smarter Than A Fifth-Grader you can check out the show's info (and play a trivia game) at http://tinyurl.com/2atl9y.
Designer Marc Ecko evidently shares my fascination with the Rebel outfits in Star Wars. You can read about his line of Rebel-inspired clothing at: http://tinyurl.com/2ffmjk.
The Guardian ran a funny rundown of Star Wars fashion. You can read it at http://tinyurl.com/yowl3c.

Direct download: 082_--_A_Rebellious_Nature.mp3
Category: Humorous Essay -- posted at: 2:15 AM

Comments[0]

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Each week you'll be treated to a brand-new funny story. No rambling here, just my take on ordinary life.

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