When I realized I was indisputably sick, I recognized the perfect opportunity to gain sympathy points from my wife.

"It hurts," I said. "A lot. I think it’s pretty serious." "It’s an ear ache," she said.

With the sympathy meter reading dangerously close to empty, I sought the advice of a qualified medical professional. She confirmed that it was "just" an ear ache and that I was a good candidate for a full recovery.

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yeah. It’s just a mild case of otitis externa."

Otitis externa? Wasn’t that the "ear curse" in Harry Potter and the Maintenance of Health Organization?...

Big brother is watching you. And so is big sister. Uncle Henry's in on the act, too. It's getting hard to go anywhere without running into a nut with a video camera of some sort.

A typical daycare music recital looks more like a press conference than a kid’s program. The presidential candidates would give up half of their remaining brain cells for the kind of video coverage those toddlers get. Maybe the Constitution should be changed to limit nominees to candidates who can belt out I'm A Little Teapot off key.

Most of the camcorders are run by men. This goes back to the traditional male role which was established in the distant past when human beings lived in caves instead of suburbs. Prehistoric women stayed at the cave and cared for the children while their mates wandered the plains tracking and video taping animals...

When I got a note in the mail saying I needed to renew my driver's license, I wasn't worried. After all, I've been driving since I was sixteen. All I had to do was take a quick written exam, get a bad picture taken, and I'd be done. Right?

When I got to the DMV, my immediate thought was, "WOW! Lookit all the people...they must be giving away thousand dollar bills inside."

I was wrong. Inside, I found twenty-two service windows, two employees and a line which appeared to contain the entire population of Ogallala, Nebraska. I took my place at the end.

Grimly, like Soviets waiting five hours for the chance to buy half a roll of industrial-grade toilet paper, we stood in line. Unlike the Russians, we weren't relieved when we got to the front of the queue.......

For the first time in twenty-five years I have a new hairstyle. For a quarter century I've been faithful to a basic short-bangs, parted-on-the-right, square-backed haircut. It was a simple look; a serious look; a look that said, "I’m clueless about fashion."

If they had named my hairstyle, it would have been called The Republican.

Some masculine hairstyles are named for the people who made them popular like The Caesar or The Donald. (One is a famous tyrant and the other was a Roman Emperor.) My new do with it’s short-back-and-sides and gelled bangs that stick out should be called The Richie Rich after the famous comic-book character.

When I got that first good look at myself in the mirror in the salon, all I could think was, "What have I done?" and "Will my wife like it?"......